I Still Prefer My Moleskine

IF YOU LOVE ME AT ALL...

2010-08-31T18:15:00.002-04:00

YOU'LL STOP READING THIS BLOG, AND START GOING TO MY HOME SITE.

(There is an RSS feed there, now.)

http://ethanbeyer.com/

passion

2010-08-27T15:03:00.003-04:00

Ode to Salt - Speed Week 2010 from Josh Clason on Vimeo.

How brilliant and incredible is this? Golly I'm inspired.

Martin Luther:

2010-08-19T21:17:00.002-04:00

I frankly confess that, for myself, even if it could be, I should not want "free-will" to be given to me, nor anything to be justify in my own hands to enable me to endeavor after salvation; not merely because in face of so many dangers, and adversities, and assaults of devils, I could not stand my ground and hold fast my "free-will" (for one devil is stronger than all men, and on these terms no man could be saved); but because, even were there no dangers, adversities, or devils, I should still be forced to labor with no guarantee of success, and to beat my fists at the air. If I lived and worked to all eternity, my conscience would never reach comfortable certainty as to how much it must do to satisfy God. Whatever work I had done, there would still be a nagging doubt as to whether it pleases God, or whether He required something more. The experience of all who seek righteousness by works proves that; and I learned it well enough myself over a period of many years, to my own great hurt. But now that God has taken my salvation out the control of my own will , and put it under the control of His, and promised to save me, not according to my working or running, but according to His own grace and mercy, I have the comfortable certainty that He is faithful and will not lie to me, and that He is also great and powerful, so that no devils or opposition can break Him or pluck me from Him. "No one," He says, "shall pluck them out of my hand, because my father which gave them me is greater than all" [John 10:28-29]. Thus it is that, if not all, yet some, indeed many, are saved; whereas, by the power of "free-will" none at all could be saved, but every one of us would perish. Furthermore, I have the comfortable certainty that I please God, not by reason of the merit of my works, but by reason of His merciful favor promised to me; so that, if I work too little, or badly, He does not impute it to me, but with fatherly compassion pardons me and makes me better. This is the glorying of all the saints in their God.

All Summer

2010-07-14T16:35:00.001-04:00

Lots to say, but no idea how to say it. Until then, I'll keep posting videos of stuff I think is sweet. Stay tuned, or don't - it's no real skin off my back anyhow.

Pike's Peak

2010-07-13T18:59:00.001-04:00

It Doesn't Last Long Enough...

2010-07-06T10:20:00.002-04:00

...but it IS beautiful.

Recent Print

2010-06-22T10:10:00.001-04:00

Master Plan

2010-05-06T16:09:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow I'm taking a final in Physics. Then going home, redressing, picking up food from PF Chang's and taking that to my speech final. It's all a ruse. I'm basically making my speech up on the spot about weird things that happen to servers. I have a host of stories, but if you have any funny ones, post them here so I can use them and make people laugh until chocolate milk comes out their noses. PLZ.

After my knock-out of a speech I'm taking a math final. Then I'm riding my bike home NAKED.

What We Live For

2010-04-12T10:31:00.006-04:00

It's been some time since I posted a "Song of the Week"; but I think this one is an appropriate summation of the past year. It would be, moreso, if I just held out until May 9, but there's no real need. Grace has found me and molded me over these past 12 months in such a way that I cannot doubt the goodness of Christ.

I hope you enjoy this song, it's amazing. Thanks to my friend Chris who introduced this record to me - it is truly a life-changing one.

Artist: Mumford & Sons
Song: After The Storm
Album: Sigh No More

MP3

A Glimmer

2010-04-06T11:18:00.002-04:00

Read this, it's pretty incredible:

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/26/not-just-tigers-temptations/

Abide

2010-03-28T17:57:00.003-04:00

Where to start...
I guess the day starts with my phone's alarm marimba-ing its way off of my bookshelf, buzzing its way annoyingly across my hardwood floor. Perturbed, I throw the covers off (how dare I set an alarm for myself - I wanted to be a bum all day) and turn the alarm off. Pad my sore feet to the shower. Make it hot.

I climb out of the shower into the over-steamed room and decide my eyes aren't ready for contacts at this hour. Maybe I'll put them in later. That'll mean another shower after work...

Sigh.

From there I pull on my clothes, clamor out to my car and drive under the grey sky to church. This sky is exactly how my head's felt for months, with just a few spotty moments of sunshine. I keep feeling like vanishing off to the woods for a while to get my head straight. No matter what anyone says to you, or the clear bucket of truth in front of you, that one drop of black ink seems to spoil the whole batch.

It's like one part of me has been gripping the lie of never being good enough for anyone or anything, and the other part of me has been fearfully clutching to relational perfectionism. Heaven forbid I ever do anything wrong in the sphere of relationships; and like a dung beetle I've rolled the same stuff over itself over and over.

This has started to take its toll. So did the dog next door bleating until 3am last night. You learn to ignore some things, but my faults and mistakes seem ever floating at the surface. No matter the weights I strap to them, they hold too much air. The regrets I say I don't have.

So arriving at church I've got this head full of rainclouds. I'm feeling like Eeyore, and just want to not be here. There's a reason I've avoided church for weeks and mentally checked-out the times I have gone. It's like saying I love light and living in a dark cell by choice. The door's open and it's sunny outside, but dammit I want to be miserable, thank-you-very-much.

Well Greg starts talking, and what do you know, he's starting in Leviticus. I hate Leviticus. I hate rules. I hate seeing in plain English the impossibility of ever being perfect. But the beauty of Leviticus is indeed the fact that it is not the end of the story. Grace abounds, thank God.

"I read a book about a man who made mistakes all the time, he didn't give up though..."

Pure and simple, the point of Leviticus, albeit the Law in general, is to prove that humanity has no hope in its own actions. The pursuit of perfection, of being clean and blameless is Judaism. This is not the battle-cry of the Christ I follow.

No. See, after Greg walks the congregation through a few points of the Law and our inability to keep it (these are constant reminders I need to be given, as one who idolizes his own actions and thinks highly of his methods, being full of the inconsistency of saying one can never be perfect, but living as though one could) to the t, he takes us to Matthew 21, where Jesus cleanses the temple and welcomes all these people, the unclean, INTO the temple. Unheard of.

What is next? The fig tree. Now, a brief explanation, according to Greg Pinkner:
The olive tree is the symbol of the nation of Israel, while the fig tree is the symbol of the religiosity of Judaism. A fig tree sprouts fruit before leaves, so a leafy wild fig tree with no fruit is a bad tree.

And what does Jesus say to this tree? "May no fruit ever come from you again!"
This is where the grey skies just got burned away by the bomb that got dropped under them. Dissipation happens quickly - the evaporation even faster. I about wept when it hit me: Jesus is proclaiming Judaism dead. Works from this point henceforth are dead. The balloons that are all my floating, unsinkable mistakes are popped and sink from the surface like lead. I could've wept.

I'm not perfect, I never will be. But I have to stop thinking I can maybe come close if I try hard enough.

I'm a firm believer in God's grace, and its leading. I am a firm believer in forgiveness and new starts and the goodness of God.

I waited on a lady today who lost her son in a car accident two days ago. He was 17. Whole life ahead of him. His name was Ethan. This lady and I talked for a while; I'm glad she knows Christ. The tears she cried were painful for me too, in some way I don't fully understand. Maybe in part, it's the knowledge that this person who shares my name is in heaven now, while in part I am reminded of the frailty and fleeting nature of life on this earth.

It's still more than that though, because I don't want to go into the ground with "a lot of life ahead of me." I want my time here to have been worth it and productive and substantiated by my Father.

I drove home in brilliant sunshine with the roads still wet. Feels like the most potent day of my life. Streaming from every tire of every car was that mist that exists to blind the drivers behind you. But the way the sunlight tore through that mist, every tire had a rainbow coming off of it.

Jesus conquered the grave so my works wouldn't be the basis of my relationship with God the Father.
He tears away all the mud I've rolled in and says, "You're clean. Live like it." Tears come and go when the true weight of forgiveness and adoption come. It's weird.

The clouds will inevitably be back at some point, but may this day stand testament to the faithfulness, grace, goodness of perfection of Christ.

La vita è bella.

Something New

2010-03-22T23:41:00.003-04:00

Well guys, I thought I'd do something a little new. I can't say this idea was completely my own; Kitsune Noir does this every week - but I was in the mood to do something like this rather than homework. So, I hope you enjoy. At points this little mix is pretty melancholy, and other times straight-up joyful. It's put together as one solid track (sorry - it's a biggish file) so that I could keep the individual tracks in a certain order. So with that, right+click and "Save Link As..." THIS or the Mixtape Cover above!

Enjoy.

Miss you, Swain.

2010-03-22T00:04:00.001-04:00

LEGIT.

I'll Follow (Rough)

2010-03-20T21:25:00.003-04:00

There's still a lot of work to do. But I don't know when I'll actually get a chance to DO that work on this song, so despite its poor quality and quiet-ness, I am posting this little :40 sampler of the song that is in progress. Hope you like it, but please know: it's got a long way to go. It will sound much better soon!

MP3

New Materialz

2010-03-18T01:32:00.001-04:00

See, the last post was really facetious and sarcastic.
BUT: there are exciting things happening.

Tomorrow I will be putting a song up I've spent the past 6 hours or so working on (anyone who knows anything about recording though will scoff at the brevity), and will be putting some hefty time into tomorrow, also. So come back tomorrow and listen. Please!

le sigh

2010-03-17T00:49:00.003-04:00

Hey guys.
Exciting things are happening.
Rooms are being cleaned.
Bumpers are being broken.

I'M BLOGGING.

People are being hugged.
For pete's sake, I almost ran over an old woman today in the street.
Batteries are dying, and all these wonderful things.
I finally bought some saline so I could stop sleeping in my contacts and looking like an addict.
I've gotten so much done today and I love it.

Oh wait.

2010-03-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

Is this blog dying?

And God asked, "Where are you?"

2010-02-21T20:21:00.003-05:00

I was thinking on my drive from Nashville to Knoxville today about who I am. And by the way, the best part of the drive is from Crossville to Harriman. I-40 between those two cities is amazing, especially when a day is as beautiful as today was.

But I got to thinking about how defining myself, as a Christian, by any worldly tape measure is flawed from the start. A phrase came into my head that I am a "Redeemed Destroyer" - and at first I was kind of repulsed by the sheer extremeness of that thought. But as I sat and thought about it, driving 80mph in the sun, I realized it's absolutely true.

Before I knew Christ, I existed as one of those men who "just wanted to watch the world burn". I have made and will continue to make mistakes. I will not in any way try to dodge that bullet, because there's no need. The truth is that I am now inwardly holy and redeemed entirely - and my flesh is still just learning to actually live that out. I'm glad it's not so immediate - it is really all about the process, after all - but I'm also glad that despite my sin and falling short, that God does not look at me as broken merchandise. I was a destroyer, but am now redeemed.

Of course I have no clue where the road I'm on goes! Quit asking.

2010-02-19T01:35:00.002-05:00

All I'll say is that after weeks like this one, I'm learning to look at life with more joy, and take the little things a whole lot less seriously.

We're all Runners

2010-02-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

"We know from our youth how to be treated, how we'll be received, how we shall end. These things don't change. You can change your clothes, change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents but sooner or later your own self will always catch up."

-The Cribs "Be Safe"

You know what feels good?

2010-02-13T12:56:00.002-05:00

Deleting facebook.
Reading! Playing music, and listening to new music. Messing with tunings, breaking strings. Getting lunch/coffee/breakfast/dinner with friends. Playing pool and being horrible at it. Laughing. Coming home smelling like a bar instead of getting mad at video games. I feel like I'm taking some steps in the right direction.

Let me get this straight...

2010-02-10T11:23:00.005-05:00

We'll start micro, and move to macro:

I have a laptop, Xbox and cellphone. Because...well, who doesn't.

I have a bunch of things installed on two of these devices so I don't get bored. Doesn't work.

I have Gmail to write and send emails. (And what the deuce is "Buzz"? Google twitter?)

Google Reader to read all the RSS feeds of the sites that I don't want to visit every day to check on the possibility of "new content". (The phrase "new content" really makes me feel like an über consumer. Like a hyena.)

A twitter so I can keep all of you updated with little tidbits of information in my life. (Why isn't everyone reading this? Don't you care? Follow me. MY LIFE IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.)

...facebook to "keep in touch" with a lot of people I could call, and to look at pictures of attractive and unattractive people I'll either never see, or talk to, again. Come on, be honest.

...last.fm to "find" new music. They're all about money.

...Netflix so I never ever ever have to drive anywhere to see or rent a movie. Duh, fresh air sucks. Especially when it's cold out.

...Mint/First Tennessee Online to manage my money (poorly) from the comfort of my own home.

An Xbox lets me get online and play games and talk to my friends, though it's usually just brief interjections of cuss-words (at least on my part) when someone halfway around the world sends a signal (shoots me) from their Xbox to the host of the game to my Xbox and it tells me I'm dead. And then I can also now use my Xbox to create a digital representation of my identity (an Avatar), and not only that, I can sit on Xbox all day instead of my phone, because now I can use it for twitter, last.fm, netflix and facebook.

I write in this blog so someone will read what I've written and respond to it, because I like conversations. But I'd be better off to just stick to my moleskine and talk to people face to face.

As far as my cellphone goes, I use it to text, call, and keep a steady hold on all the aforementioned things. I couldn't tell you the last time I started and subsequently finished an actual book.

And we, as a digital generation, continue to move farther and farther from each other physiologically in exchange for a well-marketed, CSS-polished-UI, and use Gchat, FBchat and AIM instead of coffee shops and classrooms and the places we live to get to know one another...

It's strange to criticize the practice with the medium that perpetuates it, I realize. But these are just a few things that have been jumbling around in my head. I don't think the answer is necessarily to unplug everything. But we definitely idolize all these social-networking abilities, and thereby idolize ourselves (because God forbid I think of anyone as more important than me!), and we're missing out on the stuff that makes people special. And real.

I'm not entirely sure what my move in this is. Or why it suddenly flared up as something I needed to write about, but there's something about this constant bombarding of marketing and social networking and all this media I have to be a part of that just drains all my energy and time.

Dear Sun,

2010-02-08T09:53:00.001-05:00

It would be great, after these 10 days of your absence, to see you again.

2010-02-02T19:18:00.002-05:00

So the iPad didn't change the world. No one's surprised.

But LOST might.
45 minutes to go!

The Little Things

2010-02-01T10:43:00.002-05:00

The next-door-neighbor's cat is walking around our backyard like a little panther. His feet keep sinking in the snow. I think that would probably bother his proud and skittish heart more if he knew I was watching him through my window with a cup of coffee.

2010-01-31T14:07:00.002-05:00

If anyone needs procrastination lessons, let me know. I'll get back to you tomorrow. Or something.

Dear Visual Art,

2010-01-30T21:57:00.003-05:00

I don't hate you. It's important that you don't forget that as you read the following words, but a few things have changed over the course of our friendship and I thought it might be good for me to explain to you why I won't be coming over to hang out so much in the next few weeks.

For the past three and a half years I have been clutching onto you (a trait I've been trying quite hard to let go of in myself overall; that need to white-knuckle something tangible), and it's been kind of an exhausting relationship. I can't blame you for being demanding, it's just how you are.

But you ask everything of me, and I've come to realize that pursuing you in every facet of my life is more selfish than anything else. Using you to figure myself out and then putting that on display is kind of lame.

See, I love a lot of people. And I don't even do that very well. I also love God a lot, and I haven't quite found a way to express that through you in a way that was in good taste, or even made sense. A few people have, but I'm not here to use you the way someone else has. If I made something out of you that I felt like truly encapsulated anything I actually thought about or believed in, and I didn't have to bullshit my way through every class that pertained to you, I might not have come to this point. But this love-hate relationship we have frustrates me because I defend you, and then you stab me in the back. So I'm looking into doing something that doesn't require such a heavy leaning on you, that lets me love people and help them and tell them about Christ.

I'm also pretty sure you have a lot of friends you like more than me anyways, and this exasperates my desire to be good friends with you. We're all clamoring over eachother trying to prove to anyone willing to listen that we know you better than anyone else. I don't care if she likes cameras more than paintbrushes, or fibers more than pixels (this world seems to be more smoke and mirrors than it does real these days anyways); you and your other friends are just too picky.

My guitar has been more fun, more substantial. It's been good to hang with the old Yamaha again. The words that have been coming into my head lately have actually felt like something real. The music I'm writing gets my heart excited. I don't know how to use you to express anything that makes me excited, though. And if I can't explore the world with you with passion, I don't know if I should bother.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm a fickle heart and I think all this will blow over before too long. I still get a kick out of seeing the stuff my friends can pull off when you're around. But right now, it's kind of nice to have a break from you. Hope this doesn't hurt your feelings. If you want to come over sometime and have some ideas you want to throw around with me, well, we can look into that.

Until then, all my regards,
Ethan

How The Day Sounds

2010-01-04T15:36:00.002-05:00

Everything in my head and my heart is finally coming together and I'm just so ready to start.

Artist: Greg Laswell
Song: How The Day Sounds
Album: How The Day Sounds EP

MP3

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T13:52:00.001-05:00

Go read this. It's awesome.

natural, sort of

2009-12-22T00:07:00.001-05:00

natural, sort of, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

It's hard, after taking pictures of mesas and people I love and mountains and canyons and snow, to get back to Tennessee and want to take pictures of buildings again.

Zion Pics

2009-12-19T21:50:00.002-05:00

skyvasion, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

Click the picture to check out some photos of the Zion / Grand Canyon backpacking trip we just returned from.

What a time.

Having No Regrets

2009-12-16T21:44:00.000-05:00

The West is huge. No question, I've never seen anything that was quite so naturally majestic. Last night, four friends and myself hiked up 1500 feet through sunshine and snow, and after changing our itinerary to be shorter three times, made camp at the intersection of seven canyons.

We staked our tents down amidst two feet of snow, and darkness came. With it, the most spectacular display of stars I've ever seen. I easily saw the milky way and the great northern cross; I tracked satellites among their stoic pin-prick cousins. While we tried to sleep, mice nibbled our food. I found tracks, presumably of a large cat, next to our tent this morning. Awesome.

And I'm in a car now, headed for the Grand Canyon, after three awesome days at Zion.

This has been one of the best things my heart could have experienced. I feel clear again on who I am and where I need to be. Lord, please give me a shot at walking through the rest of this life with the sort of love you unfailingly show me. Don't let me alone.

reverse mad libs

2009-12-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

give me six words
and i'll take those words
and use them to fill in
the one million blanks
surrounding them
don't fret, it'll all fit
(i know it will)
just give me a second
to write you into
what i want you to be

it's all a ruse, anyways

RE: drew

2009-11-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

Good post.

Thanksgiving Song

2009-11-28T11:42:00.001-05:00

I read a book about a man
Who made mistakes all of the time
He didn't give up though
He'd make things right

Sometimes it takes a month or two
To get your head around it
Working both day and night
To handle

In silence we'll both walk away

The things I will keep
Are never in my sleep
I won't lie to you
Don't lie to me

Cause those bruises heal
Despite how they feel
It's kind of sad when they go

In silence we'll both walk away
In silence we'll both walk away

Artist: Headlights
Song: Get Your Head Around It
Album: Some Racing, Some Stopping

MP3

Stresses That Don't Matter

2009-11-17T13:43:00.002-05:00

I'm an elitist, which is dumb - but true.

On top of that, if I do something, I want to do it so well that I garner praise for the effort I've put in. Also dumb. I don't want to take or receive help from anyone, so I blindly try to do it all myself. Nothing like trying to cram for tests or teach yourself CSS on the fly.

This pertains mostly to an assignment I've been given, in which I have to build a website. Not hard, right? Wellll I've been flipping out for almost 24 hours now trying to figure out how to build the thing from scratch and I'm about to punch a wall from the stress I've given myself over this. Because as much as it'd be cool to have a great-looking site, one that I made myself and am proud of, it's just not worth not being able to sleep because of the amount of ideas in my head.

Amp In The Dark

2009-11-08T23:36:00.002-05:00

amp, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

There are days, like today, when I am paralyzed by laziness, boredom and/or inaction and I go to bed wondering if I did, said, or thought anything that was worthwhile.

After taking pictures with Gary tonight at World's Fair Park and playing guitar at home, I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of what my brain wanted to get done today.

I feel behind. I've got ideas, but I'm too content sitting around doing nothing to follow through on them. I might pull an all-nighter tonight just to get some of the things done I had time to do when there was still light outside.

Chicken Soup Of The Week

2009-11-05T15:28:00.003-05:00

Does anyone remember the books "Chicken Soup For The ____ Soul"?

I've been in a funk lately. I've felt like there was no "chicken soup" really anywhere. It's been frustrating and painful, and completely resembles the feelings that cycle about this time of year, every year. It's characterized by anxiety and stress; worry and lack of confidence; apathy, loneliness and stagnation. The list could go on but there's really no need.

Suffice it to say I feel pretty emptied out, but at the same time have been holding in so much crap that I feel like a purge is entirely necessary. I've stayed pretty far from God in the past few weeks, and even though I've known better, I've been thinking to myself that it's His job to come to me, and why hasn't He done so yet.

I spent some time taking pictures in between classes and walked back to my car listening to Bon Iver. That may or may not have further darkened my mood. Anyways, I got home from school today (and it's been an incredibly beautiful day here in Knoxville) and there was no one home. I cleaned my room and made some chicken noodle soup and prayed. Read Isaiah 43. The first thing I read is,

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the
waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they
shall not overwhelm you."
-[Isaiah 43:1,2]
...and I was kind of floored. Far be it from me to say that I thought any of those things were untrue, but they certainly haven't felt true for far too long, and sometimes all it takes is the feeling of something for me to consider it fact. Isn't that sad?

But it is a beautiful and horrifying thing to live under Christ sometimes. There are days when it's all I want.

...Then there are the days where I just wish I could do whatever the #$%@ I please, and just get on with my me-centric life.

I hope if you ever read this blog, you don't think I am trying really hard to say the right things about God. I'm still learning. I wish truth were on my lips more, but I feel the opposite most days. But as I have been again reminded of God's sovereignty and love, I hope you are also.

The reason I chose this song as song of the week is because it's beautiful. I love post-rock more than just about anything else I know of (musically), and I haven't posted much of it. So here is some that is wonderful.

Be encouraged and enjoy!

Artist: Helios
Song: Halving The Compass
Album: Eingya

MP3

66/45

2009-11-03T17:25:00.001-05:00

I know that in all things, Christ is good to me. I also see the depth of my sin like the nasty bottom of a clear lake. Just because the Living Water has covered me doesn't mean I haven't sunken a few ships, pushed the heads of those gasping for breath under...

I have confidence in Christ alone that all these dumb, broken, mismatched pieces will find their spots. Confidence that Christ alone will carry me through a world I'm only beginning to understand. I'm a sinner but I've been saved. The subtitle of this blog serves all too often as the reminder I'm too proud to see: that in all seriousness, and without wavering, I suck and hardly learn from my mistakes until I've repeated them a dozen times. But THERE IS hope in Christ, and were it not for him, I wouldn't even dream of calling today a wonderful day.

oops, i forgot the title

2009-11-02T23:00:00.004-05:00

Alright Gents and Ladyfolk, I plan on writing on here more often. Truly. Would that be scrumptious, or would no one care? I don't care. If you read this, cool - but I'm going to keep writing until I get a cease-and-desist.

I could go for a few more days of autumn before winter kicks my door down.
Also, if it's going to be 30º every night, it's probably time to stop sleeping on top of the comforter and put sheets on my bed (I promise I'm not a slob).

Coffee isn't doing a whole lot right now to keep my tired eyelids from drooping, which is bad, because I've still hardly studied for the Art History test that is leering at me from tomorrow morning. School. Die. I h8 U.

I'm completely in awe of how fast this semester has gone by - is it seriously November already? Two of my classes are over in three weeks! Bizarre how time just seems to speed up. Getting older is a strange feeling. I wouldn't say I'm in the middle of any existential crisis or anything, but there are certain things about the way time passes and life moves and changes that are just now starting to sink in to me.

Oh well.
Going to Zion. WOOT.

Break

2009-10-28T20:46:00.002-04:00

I cannot wait to head to Zion for Christmas Break. For the win. Beauty.

what I've been doing today

2009-10-26T22:06:00.004-04:00

On top of this stuff, a few more things have also been uploaded to flickr.

Double Song(s) Of The Week Because I've Fallen Behind

2009-10-19T22:50:00.003-04:00

So hey! It's been quite a while since I posted any songs - so it's your lucky day in that I am posting TWO for your listening pleasure!

Thanks to Taylor for introducing me to both of these stellar bands.

1:
Artist: Said The Whale
Song: This City's A Mess
Album: Howe Sounds / Taking Abalonia

Perfect music for fall/autumn/death of leaves/beginning of winter. Enjoy.

MP3

----------------

2:
Artist: Tokyo Police Club
Song: Tessellate
Album: Elephant Shell

This song is fun and has made me feel incredibly nostalgic every time I've listened it; which is weird, because I only heard it for the first time about four days ago. No matter: it's a wonderful song.

MP3

Reconciliation

2009-10-13T00:08:00.000-04:00

There are days when I realize I'm worse at being a good person than all the people I'm surrounded by; and today was that day.

"I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your windowsill will give a new perspective."
-Death Cab For Cutie

Simply put, I cannot run any longer from the apologies I need to make, from the relationships I need to reinvest in, from the humility I'm supposed to live out of, or the confessions that need to be on my lips.

I'm quick to forget the people I've left behind - be they friends in other states or family mere hours away. When does this change? One thing gets put in order and organized, while simultaneously entire compartments fall from the shelves. I run from the things that have hurt me, though I claim not to be afraid of these things.

I know what I need to do, and I certainly intend to. It's time to get these failings out of my luggage, even if it means everything's going to get broken open and strewn on the floor.

Snapshot Of A Dream Come True

2009-10-08T09:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I skipped both of my afternoon classes to drive headlong and quickly down to Atlanta, GA to see Blink-182 play. I came alone; kind of weird - and definitely a show I would've liked to have shared with those who carry the same feelings for Blink that I do, but it turned out to be a load of fun.

My ticket said that my seats were supposed to be in Row T, which was probably about 100-125 feet from the stage. Wellll, if I was going to drive three hours to see the first band that opened my eyes to music other than what you'd hear on a Nashville CCM station, I was going to be close, and I was going to go crazy.

Valencia and Asher Roth were the openers; can't say I was hella impressed with Valencia, but Asher Roth was a lot of fun to watch. The dude loves talking about smoking weed. Not into that, but whatever. I bribed the lady checking tickets 10 dollars to let me into the pit - so I felt really incognito and awesome. Probably too awesome...but I was also at a show with thousands of people I'd never see again, so looking and acting a fool wasn't something I was too concerned with. The mask was gone, I was there to be a seventh grader.

Blink hired two male strippers to come onto stage to prank Asher Roth's set (apparently there's been alot of pranking going on between the two), and it was hilariously awkward watching the whole stage try to stay composed while these two scantily-clad men stole their show. There was alot of laughing, and a lot of, "Gah, that is just gross." Simply put, there are muscles I didn't even know a person could flex. Weird.

Well, in the intermission between Roth and Blink I managed to squeeze my way to the second row on the barrier...which was not bound to last as a kid (who was far too young to be at the front of the pit with his whiny girlfriend) and his parents (who were far too old and protective of their freshly-weaned young to be at the front) muscled me out of the way. Whatever, I don't mind being boxed out by a lady while I'm trying to have a good time with everyone else there, and then broadsided by her drunk husband.

When Blink finally came out, they were as goofy and horrible as usual, with Travis beating the snot out of his drums. That dude has to be in incredible shape. I told my roommate last night that I have seen almost every video of Travis Barker there is to see on Youtube, but seeing him do his stuff in person is just unbelievable. By the first chorus of Dumpweed (opening song), I had been screaming, circle pitting and crowd surfing. I got kicked in the head alot and my ankle feels like it got mashed on by an elephant in stiletto's. The night continued in this fashion for two more hours with Man Overboard, aka Crown Jewel being played in the middle of the set, and when they finished off with Dammit, I walked out of the amphitheater sweaty and smiling. It took me almost all the way to Knoxville before I was even close to dry. Thank God for the guy handing out free energy drinks after the show, or I'd've (double contraction win) died.

I had so much fun. I am exhausted and sore - but for the nostalgic value of seeing my most-influential band, it was well worth it. Thank you Blink-182 for bringing the noise, and letting me be a kid again.

Time For A Tune-Up

2009-10-04T00:58:00.001-04:00

Tonight I went back and read alot of the writing I've done over the past year - on my computer, on this blog, in my journal...

And I've come to realize that I don't really like the tone in any of it.

Song Of The Week 13

2009-09-22T12:28:00.002-04:00

Artist: Gregor Samsa
Song: Ain Leuh
Album: Rest

Sometimes you just need to chill. As it starts getting colder, I feel this way to a higher and higher degree - and post-rock, ambient music always helps. So if you're driving to work in the rain or sitting in the park with your iPod reading a book or just in between classes, listen to this song. It's beautiful.

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haiku's

2009-09-17T15:30:00.003-04:00

I don't write as many haiku's as I'd like (therefore I'm not real great at it) - but the over-arching intent of a haiku is very close to that of a photograph. The point (at least for me) is to capture the spirit or the sensory aspects of a scenario in this brief, age-old form. Hope you enjoy, despite their flaws.

the coffee-maker's broken
thoughts came strong and robust
could not sleep last night

white sun peeks through clouds
warms my front, dries up the dew
crickets live in the air

hot sun, crunchy leaves
tennessee river below
rumbling quarry sounds

mockingbirds in flight
wings scarcely stop, joyous song
I watch with envy

the ant crawls frantic
onto my pencil, then my arm
I lead him back home

concrete can float these days

2009-09-15T22:07:00.001-04:00

concrete can, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

Not everything has meaning, but most things do. Sometimes I have a hard time getting out of God's way long enough to let Him show me what the meaning in things are.

There's a parable that Jesus tells in Luke, that before a few days ago I had never seen. But it hit me right between the eyes, because its sharpness stung me, and exposed me.

Luke 13:6-9
And he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vine-dresser, 'Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?' And he answered him, 'Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.'"

Often as a Christian, feeling like I'm doing Christ and his team a favor, I get discouraged when things don't go my way. I find myself asking, "Where's mine? When will MY prayer get answered? Aren't I doing the right thing? Why are all these crappy things happening to me?"

...and where I see this parable answering with a stark reply is that:
1. I'm not doing Christ any favors; if I'm not producing fruit, I am just taking up the ground. I'm human, and subject to the glory of God in all things.

2. Our producing fruit to the glory of God is our reason for being here. Maybe the terrible things that happen in life ARE supposed to push us back to Christ; maybe they're supposed to serve as the fertilizer in following Christ fruitfully.

3. Christ is full of grace. Despite my evil heart and my questioning of his sovereignty and goodness so often, he gives chance after chance, year after year, to the maturing of my limbs and fruit.

I finish so many posts off this way, by saying that Christ is good. But I mean it. Whenever I put things in perspective for myself, whenever I can get out of the way for just a few minutes, I find Christ's acceptance and grace in response to my needy repentance. I have nothing to offer but what Christ gives me. And there is nothing left for Him to give (spiritually speaking). So the challenge now is seeking peace and contentment in all things, by living Christocentrically in all things.

Song Of The Week 12

2009-09-14T19:01:00.004-04:00

Artist: Grizzly Bear
Song: While You Wait For The Others
Album: Veckatimest

Alot of my friends whore this band (and have for a long time) incessantly. I myself, am a recent convert - but as such, they are phenomenal musicians writing incredibly emotional (but not sentimental), perceptive, original, and catchy music. It's worth praising, because simply put: it's good. So give the song a listen, buy their album, show them some love.

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In fact, a leaf fell in my backyard just now.

2009-09-12T10:27:00.004-04:00

The leaves will start changing soon. They'll be yellow, red and orange; the air will lose its humidity in favor of being crisp; the green grass will tan lazily and wake morning by morning in silver frost. The sun's light feels more golden and warming, more welcomed than loathed.

There's a tangible sigh of relief in the air. I washed woodsmoke from my hair this morning (I told people I hate this sensation, but this morning the smell was delicious) - which gave me a huge sudsy white afro; coughed it out of my throat where it clung like cobwebs. The smiling and laughing of last night made my cheeks sore, but I'd never complain about that feeling.

Every year, my heart yearns for the air to feel the way it soon will. Walking by the river will not illicit mosquito bites, but instead imploring looks at the falling tree-feathers. It truly just makes me feel lighter. But most of all, I beseeched the Lord to hear my prayer and fill me with peace. And He has. In His goodness that never fails, he has restored my soul and given me yet another chance to take a step into the autumn air, as familiar and unknown as it is. A good way to say it is that everything, and nothing, has changed - and I'm absolutely joyful about it.

Two Today? Wow.

2009-09-09T22:05:00.002-04:00

Does anybody else ever feel like there's nothing left to do on the internet after checking email, RSS feeds and facebook?

sigh.

Excitement

2009-09-09T17:10:00.002-04:00

Quote of the day:

"Take that, Tim LaHaye, you giant douche."

Song Of The Week 11

2009-09-07T15:07:00.001-04:00

Artist: Adem
Song: Launch Yourself
Album: Love And Other Planets

A buddy of mine showed me this song, and I've been listening to it profusely. Enjoy.

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Fetid

2009-09-03T23:06:00.004-04:00

I have, or rather, had, four bamboo shoots growing in my room that I bought at IKEA in Atlanta during Spring Break of '08. They have now been whittled down to brownish yellow stalks, hollowed out by lack of water and disease. Only two small shoots of green have given me any hope that these poor plants will ever grace my rom with their oxygen-making graces again.

But alas, it has also gotten me thinking about the quality of the water in which we plant ourselves. Am I drinking the Living Water, or am I still squatting at the Dead Sea, convincing myself that the life I'm living is how it's supposed to be?

Sense: This Makes None

2009-08-25T21:09:00.003-04:00

Classes are in swing, and they are pretty cool, but I'm busier than I've ever been before. Seventeen hours with two studios and a foreign language is a heavy load. Time management, never one of my strong suits, is being worked hard so far. I've found myself more motivated than ever before at times, and as lazy as ever at others. Being in Knoxville is completely cathartic, though much has changed.

I do miss my family, and am trying hard to settle into a good, organized, fulfilling routine. One of the best parts of summer was how low-key it was, and the hardest transition thus far has been coming to grips with a to-do list 15 items long. Like I said, some days I'm all about the amount of things I need to get done because I feel like I'm acting my age - and then other days I would just as soon sit by the river all day writing haiku's.

It's disappointing, but kind of freeing at the same time, when a load of new/newish clothes get washed with a faultily made blue pen. Another lesson in letting go.

Also, walking/riding around campus is like wading through a minefield.

Song Of The Week 10

2009-08-23T22:44:00.003-04:00

Artist: Animal Collective
Song: My Girls
Album: Merriweather Post Pavilion

Jake, thank you for showing me this song. Absolutely incredible. Lyrics here.

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Song Of The Week 09

2009-08-18T01:45:00.002-04:00

Artist: Fable And The World Flat
Song: How To Be Overspoken
Album: Ladies And Gentlemen

I have to thank my friend Joshua, pronounced "Yeh-shoe-uhh" for this song. He sent it to me a few weeks back, and I just love it. Fable and the World Flat describe themselves as "beat-heavy pop". I think it's a fair self-assessment. Hope you like.

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Touchdown

2009-08-16T22:48:00.002-04:00

I have a confession to make.

This may be the first time in my life that I am at least mildly excited about the prospect of school. I think it's going to be a good year. Looking back, I feel like my life has undergone more change in the span of one year than at any other time prior. I am excluding, of course, puberty. And being weaned, but you get the picture.

And so, looking forward at this coming year, thinking about my relative freedom - I'm getting kind of giddy thinking about all the things I want to do in these coming months.

Can't wait.

Song Of The Week 08

2009-08-12T10:21:00.002-04:00

Artist: Black Moth Super Rainbow
Song: Twin Of Myself
Album: Eating Us

Just dancey. Summery. Happy.

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Song Of The Week 07

2009-08-04T13:10:00.002-04:00

Artist: Art Brut
Song: DC Comics And Chocolate Milkshakes
Album: Art Brut Vs. Satan

I heard this song this morning on the radio, and bought it straight-a-way. It is sort of summing up the "I don't want to grow up, and possibly never will" attitude I'm currently feeling. Anyways, enjoy the song, enjoy life, get some sun.

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Indeed.

2009-08-04T01:58:00.002-04:00

I feel that it's worth mentioning:

-This has been an awesome summer, and while I had little to no clue what was around the bend at any point, God is good.

-I have an incredible family, full of listeners and encouragers. They have been good to me, bringing no quarrel to my feet, but rather helping me build my faith.

-Friendships, in all their facets and forms, are absolutely the most brilliant thing God thought of. I am so thankful for the nights to be myself over Scrabble and cigarettes or beer. Playing music and watching movies, losing at Super Smash Brothers and talking about movies and/or have been some of my absolute best memories from the past 3 months.

-No good thing is withheld from us that we need. I am thankful to my friend Bonnie for making that so painstakingly clear. I heard it, and I am clinging to that truth. Our God is good and gracious, mighty to save, quick to forgive, slow to anger, and allowing all things for the good of us that attempt to love Him.

-Knoxville is a place I cannot wait to be.

Hope everyone else's summer was grand, also. This upcoming year is a bit of a wild card. But I know that it will be a good year, like the twenty-one before it. Grace and peace to you all!

Quickie

2009-08-03T01:25:00.001-04:00

Do you ever take yourself too seriously?

...I do.

Song Of The Week 06

2009-07-31T00:38:00.002-04:00

Artist: Passion Pit
Song: The Reeling
Album: Manners

I bought this album after multiple good friends suggested I do so - and I haven't been disappointed at all. It's a wonderful record. This song is great, and I've listened to it too many times already. Enjoy.

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Song Of The Week 05

2009-07-22T11:59:00.005-04:00

Artist: H2O
Song: Nothing To Prove
Album: Nothing To Prove

Get low!

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The Fourth Of July Is A Letdown Holiday (Part 2)

2009-07-14T15:45:00.001-04:00

I have, for a long time, really despised the word onward. It's held for me a prolific sense of failure, as Starbucks used the word to describe its new view of company policy, and as this period is inextricably linked with my leaving that company, it just carries a bad vibe for me. But today, I might have actually found use for it, if not a love or a need of it.

Since July started, rather, since summer started, I have been stuck in the past. I haven't found the strength to move on, and haven't wanted to. I have harbored anger at the God I love because I felt I was being treated most unfairly. If it wasn't one thing, it was the other: I wasn't making enough money, or I was working too much. I wasn't hearing from anyone, or I had too many calls to return. I had no idea where I wanted to go in life, or no life to go anywhere. On and on. Selfish.

I am conscious of the fact that it is our choices that define who we are, but lost sight of the fact that almost every decision is a choice between the light and dark, between holiness and corruption. A lot of people would look at this point of view and think I am being a bit too conservative, not open-minded enough, to say that a choice is one thing or the other. Of course there are grey areas, but get off your high horse. My point is that I kept choosing myself over God.

Today, I waited on a table, at which sat a lovely, late-thirties lady. Her eyes had a distant quality to them, and it's usually pretty easy to tell when a person is having a rough day and when they aren't. After I asked how the table's day was going, she got choked up and told me that her husband had died yesterday. I stammered, and making the best eye contact I could, expressed my condolences. What do you say to that? I have no issue with her telling me, and my managers and I did our best to make her feel at home and take the best care of her we could. The whole time, all the issues of the month, the year, the upcoming semester, money, worries and hopes just faded to the background. It was really strange to have another person's problem affect me so strongly, and it served as a huge reminder of not only the frailty of life, but moreso the goodness of our God, and how he weaves things together to teach us things.

We paid for their meal, and she broke down. Sobbing, she hugged both my manager and I and tried to put words to the love she had for the man she'll never wake up beside again. It was heart wrenching, and beautiful. I won't forget it as long as I live.

The whole thing brings about a tangible sense of guilt, as I've been wrought with selfishness when I am called to the opposite. Keeping busy for the sake of my well-being, I've made the summer about myself. I'm working through heartache, I'm going it alone, I need space. I, I, I. I wish someone had hit me in the face with a board and reminded me that I am of little significance in the shadow of our God, and he will do what he decides is good and right. This is going to happen either way, whether I like it or not. Might as well train myself to obey.

(You didn't think the rebuttal was going to be short, did you?) Obedience brings the whole post full-circle, when it comes down to our choices between light and dark. The way I see it, it's possible to move in two directions: forwards, or backwards. Sometimes backwards is going to look like outright sin, other times lukewarmness, or apathy, anger, complacency, boredom, avoidance, shame. But moving closer to God, leading a more holy and righteous life is going to be marked by sacrifice, obedience, strength, passion, pain, amazement, tears and joy. We do have a good God, and no matter what thornbush I'm dragged through, I will say that. My biggest opposition is myself and my own feelings of pride and my selfish attitude.

So when it all comes down to it, any day can be a letdown. The news is a letdown, the past is a letdown, the expectations I hold are a letdown. Politics, diets, possessions and dreams will let me down. But on the fourth of July I spent most of the day hiking with my family, who I'd not seen in 3 years, my parents and siblings and my dog. We got soaking wet and walked two miles down a creek. We laughed alot. I shot off fireworks after work in the pouring rain, and it was a blast. Why did I leave that out? Why was I blind to the good things that happened and decided only to cultivate my complaints? I'm a sinner, and a thankful one at that, for the grace offered and lavished upon me. So what if the world is falling apart? We have a good God who knows and loves, who will and is making all things new.

So...?
Onward.

Song Of The Week 04

2009-07-14T01:18:00.006-04:00

Artist: Copeland
Song: Not So Tough Found Out
Album: You Are My Sunshine

Copeland makes me think of my friend Griffin's car on the way to band practice. Good memories, good song.

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Song Of The Week 03

2009-07-06T13:34:00.003-04:00

Artist: Azure Ray
Song: Sleep
Album: Azure Ray

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The Fourth Of July Is A Letdown Holiday

2009-07-05T00:21:00.002-04:00

Consider me immensely frustrated. After reading McCarthy's "The Road", I'm feeling a strange mixture of loathe and love for the human race in general. All I've heard about today is how an ex-quarterback got shot in my town while he visited his suspected lover. A lady at my table talked my ear off about the people I should be talking to if I ever want to be successful as a photographer/printmaker/artist of any kind. I'm reminded that this nation never was and never will be a "Christian Nation", and on top of that, there is part of me that is immensely OK with that. Happy fourth, right? I feel like my capacity to give love well is in overwhelming need of sutures after statement after statement falls flat and rings hollow.

I'm stretched, bruised, tired of the same damn lessson over and over, and wondering when I will just get a chance to rest and be thankful to God because I want to be, rather than because doing so is obedient.

The economy is falling apart, I get bad gas mileage, jobs are being outsourced, the world is ending, and the Mexicans are still sneaking in. Heaven forbid? The marketing keeps getting more sexualised, we keep getting farther and farther from eachother, all the while falling in deeper and deeper lust with the latest phone technologies. Somehow, I believe God must be doing something with this. Something with us, something with the Church, with people's expectations and belief systems and world-views. But right now I suppose I am just exasperated from a long week of working doubles and bad news. It is what it is, I know this. Time heals all wounds; but more importantly, Christ does. I've lost sight of that this week. And this Tyrade of a post isn't supposed to ring for long as the deluge of bad news it could be. Because there is good news. There is hope in a God bigger than all this, and I need to be reminded of that in the midst of my self-centered frustrations more than anyone.

I'm ready to be new again.

A Found Map

2009-07-01T21:49:00.003-04:00

If things ever went according to plan, we might actually find reason to not believe in God.
But I assure you that I have learned that when the infallible falls apart, when the "sure thing" buckles underfoot, when the hoped-for and expected fails; God is there, and He is good. Better than anything we could ever convince ourselves is "good enough" or "the best possible".

A terrible segue, but related nonetheless, reading 2 Peter is like sitting in an electric chair in the best way. Read it. Study it. I'm telling you it will absolutely change your life.

Psalm 2

2009-07-01T01:43:00.003-04:00

Why do the people plot in vain against the Lord and his host? Why do we try to make things happen as we desire for them to? Wait on the Lord. Wait, amidst pain, despite anguish; praise him. The Lord laughs as our feeble attempts to minimize his glory fall flat - for surely our end is near, a holy destruction is at the righteous hand. The earth will quake in fear at His voice saying, "Jesus is established. You are nothing."

***

And to Christ, the Lord said, "You are my son. Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. All is yours: the past, and the future. You will rule unopposed, wholly righteous. All will sing praise to your name. You are the lamb. You are the mercy seat. You are the beginning, as well as the end. It is through you and for you that all was created, and all exists. None come to me but through you."

***

So we, as mere humans, regardless of our power or wealth, ought be wise. We who will live have chosen to serve the Lord, in all times and circumstances, with joy, trembling at our insignificance and incomparable lack of power. We ought not be loved, but are treasured above all the heavenly bodies. "Kiss the Son," says the Lord. Death will be spared of us, and we will instead live. We who are apt to fall in quakes of fear have found shelter and hope, blessing and love in the shadow of the wings of the Lord.

Song Of The Week 02

2009-06-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

This is a fantastic, wonderful, beautiful song. After blabbing for far too long on how much I disliked Sigur Rós' newest album (even though I had listened to it minimally), I was rocked to the core when I heard this song. I hope you like it. There may be more to come from this album not far down the road.

Artist: Sigur Rós
Song: Suð Í Eyrum
Album: Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust

MP3

That's My King

2009-06-29T00:59:00.005-04:00

That's My King! from Albert Martin on Vimeo.

Song Of The Week

2009-06-22T17:20:00.004-04:00

To keep myself posting at least SOME content - I am starting a new little tradition called Song of the Week. Lots of people do this - I don't claim to have better taste in music or more knowledge of it than anyone else. But about every single day I have a song going on repeat - so why not share it with you guys?

Hope you enjoy.

Artist: UNKLE
Song: Heaven (Featuring Gavin Clark)
Album: End Titles... Stories For Film

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Patience

2009-06-21T15:35:00.001-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, and I want any of you who read this to know that I will definitely post soon. I've been mulling many things over for the past two or three weeks, which I should be able to get quite a lot of writing out of once it's time. Few more days.

One Of The Best Purchases I Have Ever Made

2009-06-15T00:44:00.002-04:00

Panasonic RP-HTX7

These duds sound delicious.

2009-06-12T14:55:00.000-04:00

California is wonderful.

Just A Shoot

2009-06-08T02:35:00.003-04:00

My Mom reminded me yesterday (or maybe it was Friday) that growth just doesn't happen when life is easy the way it does when life is hard. I'm not sure I'm glad about this, since the statement I made that invited my Mom's comment was, "I would just love for life with Christ to be like being at the beach for even a week."

Not getting my hopes up for "the vacation" anytime soon.

But as I write this, I am again reminded of the charge to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and to thank Christ in all circumstances. Think I am going to go do that. Good night, internet.

2009-06-06T10:39:00.002-04:00

My good friend Bill, who was my English teacher in High School gave me an awesome book last time I saw him called "A Diary of Private Prayer". It's exactly what it sounds like it is - a book of two prayers a day for the month, with the idea that you just start over every month. This book is awesome - really has been pushing me out of the boundaries of the things I pray for most often. Sometimes prayers become like smooth stones in my hands, that I pray over and over and over because it's comfortable to do so. Granted, it is still prayer, and prayer is time with God - so no loss. But it has been cool to see how this book that uses "Thy" and "Thou" and "hast" and was published in the 40's is not only completely awesome in its focus, but uncannily applicable - down to the day.

I read this yesterday:

Almighty and eternal God,
Thou art hidden from my sight:
Thou art beyond the understanding of my mind:
Thy thoughts are not as my thoughts:
Thy ways are past finding out.

I am content, O Father, to leave my life in Thy hands, believing that the very hairs upon my head are numbered by Thee. I am content to give over my will to Thy control, believing that I can find in Thee a righteousness that I could never have won for myself.

I kind of doubt I would pray anything like that of my own accord most days - but the encouragement to do so has been pretty rad. And I know I've said this like a dozen times in some form or fashion in the past few weeks, but forgive me as I say it as much to remind myself of its truth as anyone else: God is good.

Psalm 136

2009-05-31T23:46:00.001-04:00

In the midst of whatever it is that we find ourselves in,
his steadfast love endures forever.

The Gospel & God's Will (Part 2)

2009-05-26T15:34:00.002-04:00

If you find 30 minutes to kill in the next few days, please listen to THIS.

It's Lloyd's sermon on God's Will that I was quoting from two days ago. I promise it's worth the listen.

Footnote

2009-05-26T02:22:00.002-04:00

If I have - at any point - given you the impression that I think I have it all together, or am good at living the things I post about, I am sorry. I feel pretentious tonight; going back and reading the things I have spoken with such authority on and failed to live has hit me right between the eyes.

Please forgive me.

The Gospel & God's Will

2009-05-25T13:18:00.005-04:00

I've been reading a blog for a while now called Boot Stamping On A Human Face, Forever. Sometimes I feel like this guy is right on, sometimes not. But whatever - he is a follower of Christ and I have enjoyed seeing the things he posts. Well, he posted this this morning, and I thought it was awesome. A concise presentation of the Gospel by Don Carson:

“God is the sovereign, transcendent and personal God who has made the universe, including us, his image-bearers. Our misery lies in our rebellion, our alienation from God, which, despite his patience, attracts his ruthless wrath. But God, precisely because love is of the very essence of his character, takes the initiative and prepared for the coming of his own Son by raising up a people who, by covenantal conditions, temple worship, systems of sacrifice and of priesthood, by kings and by prophets, are taught something of what God is planning and what he expects. In the fullness of time his Son comes and takes on human nature. He comes not, in the first instance, to judge but to save: he dies the death of his people, rises from the grave and, in returning to his heavenly Father, bestows the Holy Spirit as the down payment and guarantee of the ultimate gift he has secured for them—an eternity of bliss in the presence of God himself, in a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness. The only alternative is to be shut out from the presence of this God forever, in the torments of hell. What men and women must do, before it is too late, is repent and trust Christ; the only alternative is to disobey the gospel.”

It's hard for me to remember what a huge, unpredictable, lovely story we're apart of in following Christ. Moreover, it's hard to realize the extent to which that story is in no way about us at all. It is awesome, and difficult. Living in light of the gospel does come with the expectation of living as the new creations that Christ formed us into when we first believed - to live under and in pursuit of Christ and his will. To become more and more like Christ. So,

"Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

As Lloyd said yesterday, it's not the command to rejoice or pray or give thanks that trips us up, it's the qualification: always, without ceasing, in all circumstances. Truthfully, I am more apt to feel that after a few days of being diligent in prayer or reading the Word, I excuse myself a day off - and then another, and another - and that is when things in my heart quickly fall apart.

But the three commands (rejoice, pray, give thanks) are governed by an over-arching principle: that to do those things are God's Will. God's Will may be more than those things, but it will never be less. I was hit in the mouth yesterday in the midst of the Spirit showing me how much I am not living under those commands obediently. Hit in the mouth, and then challenged to move past the disobedience and start pursuing Christ in those ways.

But the part that gets me the most is the part in verse 18 that says, "IN CHRIST JESUS."
I forget that I cannot live inside or under God's will by my own efforts. That I cannot be the man I need to be by my own hand, or do the work in my heart that needs to be done over and over without getting out of the way. It is in Christ, for Christ, through Christ that following him, and even further, sanctification, is possible at all.

We have a good God, though, to never let us forget how much He loves us unconditionally, how quickly he desires to pick us up, of our need to depend on him. He never lets us go, and he does indeed "sit enthroned over the flood."

Ell Oh Ell

2009-05-22T16:33:00.002-04:00

Liz,

In response:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXwjvcgDDEw

Sincerely,
Ethan

Ego Popper

2009-05-20T11:04:00.001-04:00

It's things like this that are quickly making design/art degrees sort of obsolete.

There's Only One Thing To Do When You've Fallen Off A Horse

2009-05-19T01:49:00.005-04:00

When you get up, when you wake up o-oh,
Put your hands up, pick yourself up o-oh.
--Anathallo, "Italo"

The One Who Sings Is The One Who Prays

2009-05-18T11:00:00.002-04:00

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation,
be constant in prayer.
--Romans 12:12

About two weeks ago, I sat down and was flipping through My Utmost For His Highest. When I came across the May 8th devotional, I was a bit caught off guard:

"Because thou hast kept the word of My patience." Revelation 3:10

Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, "I cannot stand any more." God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. For what have you need of patience just now? Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. "Though He slay me, yet will I wait for Him."

Faith is not a pathetic sentiment, but robust vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. You cannot see Him just now, you cannot understand what He is doing, but you know Him. Shipwreck occurs where there is not that mental poise which comes from being established on the eternal truth that God is holy love. Faith is the heroic effort of your life, you fling yourself in reckless confidence on God.

God has ventured all in Jesus Christ to save us, now He wants us to venture our all in abandoned confidence in Him. There are spots where that faith has not worked in us as yet, places untouched by the life of God. There were none of those spots in Jesus Christ's life, and there are to be none in ours. "This is life eternal, that they might know Thee." The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we take this view, life becomes one great romance, a glorious opportunity for seeing marvelous things all the time. God is disciplining us to get us into this central place of power.

The subject of patience and of faith is Christ, and finding closeness with him. Faith is painful and joyful, and this is only possible because its object is the One who we will never understand, nor will we ever be able to put into a box.

I'm still being caught off guard by it. God has been answering prayer before I was even man enough to pray. But I have quite simply reached a point where it is all I am capable of doing. It is the best thing for other hearts and for mine; when it begins in anger or anguish, it ends in peace and joy.

And as a result of prayer, I know that Christ is moving in some way. I have seen growth in myself, and in the people around me who are going through similar times: when all we can do is let go. I've never liked letting God be the God of my life. But I realized that I've never gotten out of the way long enough to let God do the saving, and maybe that is one of the fundamental things that God is trying to get me to give to him.

So there are times when the stakes are high enough, and the pain is deep enough, and the fears and worries just don't cut it anymore, the heart is brittle enough and the tears are all gone: and I believe this is the place where God reaches out and lifts the head, dries the tears, comforts the brokenhearted, cradles the weak and carries the wiped-out.

I'm not the only one in this strange place. People that are very dear to my heart are hurting, in cities and states all over. The futility of what one can say to another, to comfort or support, is only magnified by the intense staying power of prayer and God's hand. God is the only one good enough or big enough to comfort and hold and give and carry and love well. Loving God in return is about letting him have our hearts, and loving others well. I am terrible at both these things, but trying very hard to learn.

With all that said: "God is my shepherd; I won't be wanting."
Click that link. Listen to that song. It is incredible.

It's gonna be ok.

There Is Hope Yet

2009-05-13T00:23:00.005-04:00

Dead Bird, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

This is a blog you should check out. It hasn't been written in a whole lot, and not even with incredible frequency - but it is a dialogue of sorts between one of my pastors, Lloyd Shadrach, and David Arms, an incredibly talented painter/theologian who is good friends with Lloyd and attends FBC.

Michael sent me an encouraging email today, which led me to the Igbok blog. Reading some of the things they have written there, namely Fear Not and Braving The Emptiness Of Space, I was pushed back to the Word - where true hope, I have again found.

I have felt many times over the course of the past few days that I was in the midst of the emptiness of space. I have been wondering when I was going to land, and how much more pain that was going to cause. Obviously being in a free-fall for so long denotes great height - so landing is going to suck, right?

Well, maybe. I don't know that it won't - but in asking Christ over and over to reveal something to me about himself, he has been faithful. And as a sort of bonus prize, nearly every single time he has revealed himself, he has exposed me. I have a heap of shit that I try to hide - and I think just about everyone except for me sees it pretty plainly. It's getting burned right now (I'll avoid any crass jokes about the implications of burning poop).

But in all seriousness, giving God the matches, standing aside and saying, "Do it; all of it," has not been easy or fun. It has not been enjoyable. Life with God seems to be about ignition and rebuilding. I have to be burned to the ground before I can be rebuilt.

So I know His heart isn't trifled by my comfort, but is concerned with my holiness.
His hands aren't safe - but they are Good.

This said, who knows what is over the next hill. It wouldn't surprise me if it were fiery serpents. But if Christ is the true and better Nehushtan, I think he will be able to take care of our hearts through that, too.

In this life, we are only doomed to be dead birds if our distresses pull us away from the living God, instead of towards. One of these days, we'll see the good work started in us brought to completion.

So until then, I hope.

Right On By

2009-05-11T21:43:00.004-04:00

Right On By, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
-Romans 15:13

About all I have right now is the knowledge (which is challenged on a minute-to-minute basis, but remains firm) that our God is a good God. Trying hard, beyond that, to just hold on and make it through this.

Choose Title

2009-05-08T01:33:00.001-04:00

Kentucky, originally uploaded by ethanbeyer.

What a strange time in life this is.

Thank You, English 254

2009-04-23T15:11:00.004-04:00

I really love to read when I can stay focused for a period of time that is long enough to justify starting to do so, but every once in a while there are things I read that I wish I hadn't.

We had to read a short story by O'Brien called "Sweetheart of the Song Tra Bong" for my English class a few weeks ago. Well, I never read it. I just stayed quiet during that day of discussion. Whatever.

As it goes, we have a paper due tomorrow, and so I read the story just so I'd have something to write about...and it killed me. I wish I hadn't read it. The depth of sadness in the story: the unfinished and unending story of a beautiful, pure, innocent girl turning into a demon in the depths of the Vietnam war, losing everything she once was in a humanistic and selfish experiement with the limits of death and morality; beyond words those words written together brought me so low.

O God, what a world you love...

Snatch & Grab

2009-04-22T16:05:00.003-04:00

There have been some songs in the past few days that the Lord has used to put words to the things I've been feeling, but haven't known how to say. So this is a mash-up of words I didn't write. But they are true.

God in my laughing, there in my weeping
God in my hurting, God in my healing
Open wide my door to whatever makes me love you more
Be my everything

Be the center of our lives
In my darkest night You brighten up the skies
Christ in me, the hope of glory
Be my everything

So take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
it shall be your royal throne
Take all of me

God in my hoping, there in my dreaming
God in my watching, God in my waiting
Open wide my door to whatever makes me love you more
Be my everything

I will sing a song of hope, sing along
God of heaven come down
just to know that You are near is enough
so heaven come down
Be my everything

Shooting Like Mad

2009-04-16T12:03:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning and it was beautiful outside. Now that I've got my bowl of soup and my book open and some blink-182 playing, I'm ready to go.

Coming Clean

2009-04-14T23:06:00.003-04:00

About two weeks ago I started a post I never finished.
The first line said, "Perspective changes immensely with prayer."
Despite all that has happened in my life and in my head and in my heart since writing that statement, it remains true.

I'll get back to that thought in a second - but to address something that Jen Smith (I hope she finds it ironic that I did not make that statement a foggy one) said to me at church on Sunday, I am intentionally ambiguous in this blog for a few reasons. I gave the reasons to her there, but in case you have wondered, this paragraph is for you. If not, feel free to skip down to the part of the post where I am not pretentiously writing about my own writing. I digress.

Well, to now address the question at hand: it's not fair to draw people into the realm of public writing (which anyone at all could end up reading), especially when so much of my writing is based in the personal. There are often things I could write about that I have to refuse, due to either their sensitive nature, or because of a strong desire to keep this place of aggregated writings in the sphere of being encouraging and pointing to Christ.

That said, I intend for the ambiguity to be read through so that those of you who read something I write do not think immediately of me but rather can connect with truths that Christ is teaching me at the time. I'm no pastor, so I am not even sure I do a very good job in this right, but it is indeed my aim.

Know that I do not always write this way. I write poetry and have a Moleskine (hence the name of this blog) that contains most of my inner workings. But good writing should shy away from sentimentality, even if it evokes emotion.

To jump tracks again, prayer is a beautiful thing. In all honesty, I have never been in a season of life (the past month and a half, and more specifically the last 5 days) which more demanded prayer and patience. I have found myself understanding so many of the things that have happened in the year leading up to this point; a time wrought with sin, depression, anger, loneliness, and a keen ability to sidestep God's good and clear advances.

Eventually, like Jonah, God is going to win out. He hit me in the eyes in the fall: crashed my bike and challenged the depth of friendships; called me out into the open and squeezed everything out of my heart like a dirty washcloth in December.

I think that God has been trying with unyielding persistence to teach me three things:

Worship: I am not easily impressed, and this is so wrongfully true in the realm of my relationship with Christ. It has been an immense weight on my heart to see the extent to which I am dropping the ball on everything Christ calls me in, and how much I can still come to God saying, "Did I not do this all for you?" I'm fairly certain that Christ would reply no. Ethan has been concerned with Ethan. But God is insane in his capacity to forgive. He is mighty to save, and how deep is his love for us! Since March, Christ has not ceased tearing walls down in response to the prayer, "Please show me my own sin." He is all too willing. But thanks to The Word, good friends and smiles, an amazing article on sanctification and numerous sermons, God is showing me the tip of the true extent of His grace to us. And it's still sinking in.
Patience: It is not Ethan Beyer's job to control the world, or other people's hearts, or how they perceive the things I say, or how I perceive the things they say, or what will happen in five hours, next week, or in six months. I'm having to learn to relinquish control and really believe that Jesus Christ, in all the same goodness that made him choose to die for me when I hated him, will do everything for my good that much more now that I love him. This has never been harder, or more true. But as Christ has answered every prayer and removed every doubt up to this point, I push on.
Faith: What good is a faith that influences no action? This is where I've been. Faith should defy worry, which is the antithesis of believing everything God says. All things work together for the good of those who love him, but even more so do they display his glory; he holds our right hand and does not let us fall. He catches every tear, knows every thought and has planned every good and bad thing down to the iota, so that we can at all times look him in the eye and say thank you. Far be it from me to say that I understand it in the now, but I have no doubt that one day I will.

And these things are finally coming to a point. I have farther to go than just about anyone else I know. Every time I feel like Christ has walked me forward, I have fallen harder. He is quick to pick me up, but the falling doesn't seem to stop. I don't anticipate that it will, either. Every step is fraught with peril - but no one ever said it would be easy. Jesus said the Way is hard and that few find it, but it is the good way.

I see that "it is always darkest before the light." I am still in prayer, and the pain of ambiguity is only matched by the joy of knowing that this is in no way about me. But God is undeniably good, and always redeems.

So now that I have completely written every single word in my head that is worth a minute of your time, I will leave you with something that my best friend told me yesterday over lunch:

"Christianity ceases to be faith and becomes religion
when Jesus is no longer the end,
but the means."

Flickr

2009-04-14T11:47:00.003-04:00

Well, I finally sprung for a Flickr, today. I guess I'm now one of a zillion in just another respect.
Please check it out, though, and let me know what you think.
Here's to just getting started!

FLICKR

SB09 Recap

2009-04-11T00:34:00.002-04:00

I promise this will be the last video post I do for a while. Promise.
Will made this video documenting SB09.
Fantastic trip and wonderful friends. Hope you guys enjoy his handiwork.

Now?

2009-04-08T14:02:00.002-04:00

I like this, and wish I knew why...
It's just funny and ironic, and America is a weird place.

Repost

Happy

2009-04-07T20:39:00.001-04:00

I've started this post about 14 times. I can't seem to finish it before realizing I am just not feeling the words I'm writing. So, suffice it to say that I love driving to Asheville at night, and the stars are sure to be wonderful. Getting a chance to pray and call people I haven't talked with in a while just sounds like a tall glass of water.

My heart is glad and light, and God is good. Just need to drive.

Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord!

Teehee

2009-04-06T14:43:00.001-04:00

Learning To Ride Again

2009-04-05T17:29:00.000-04:00

I remember the summer after fourth grade, Ross Burwell taught me how to ride a bike without hands. It took a while to master; my heart would always kind of leap at the excitement of narrowly avoiding a loss of balance or blood. I could always feel that in the pit of my stomach, too.

I would ride a few yards without hands, and then would progress to a block, and by the end of the summer scarcely had to hold on at all. As I've gotten older, I've relied less on a bike and more on my parent's cars, and then inevitably, my own.

Now I hardly ride a bike at all. The last time I did, I ended up bleeding. Haven't ridden since. Not out of fear, but mostly out of the need to punish this inanimate object that caused so much pain.

That crash came at the crux of a time of incredibly innate selfishness. God let me fall over and over last semester, just to show me how capable of falling I was. As if to say, "FYI: you're not perfect, or good."

What had been lacking in my view of the last semester, until very recently, was to what great extent Christ has showed me more grace than I was even aware of, or deserving of. That's what Grace is all about.

I can with utmost certainty say that learning to ride a bike without hands was one of the hardest, most fun, rewarding things I can point to in my childhood. Crashing a bike is part of riding one - it's not a question of if, but rather, when. Learning to trust Christ, and go through life without holding on so hard is where I am now. I go a few hours at a time right now without holding on. Maybe by the end of the year I'll have had a full day where I was walking closely enough with the Lord to have totally let go of that day, or the days after. Maybe by the time I am sixty-five, I'll have learned to go a week, or to trust Christ through the good and the bad.

Currently, the few hours of no-handedness have been filled with excitement and elation; smiling and light-heartedness. Every once in a while, fear creeps in. But God has been wrestling me out to myself and convincing me of his goodness at every turn. This is in such stark juxtaposition to myself.

So letting go of my life, my expectations, my aspirations, my hard-heartedness and my desires has been like learning to ride a bike without hands. It is hard. I will fall. I do fall. I have the scars to prove it. But riding with no hands and the wind in my face made me smile, and I will always return to the joy of a bike; and living with Christ, at the mercy of his love, is the same.